everything okay ? - Carson -

[kholden phinneaus jackson]

<sup>Kholden doesnt really know what to think. He could already tell something was up before when he was acting... well really carson doesnt act just anyway. Carson comes as he comes and its always different, but there just seemed like something was off. He wasnt quite sure and it didnt help with the way that carson answered when he had asked. Hed be lying if he hadnt immediately reacted to it, his chest tightening with worry. He liked to tell himself it was just because Carson was his best friend and of course he was worried about him. THats what friends were for. Carson was seriously the closest friend hed ever had. He had friends per say, but even pete was just kind of... a friend. He really didnt know how to explain it. Kholden just didnt have any close friends, any sidekicks, best pal dude that everyone seemed to have at least one or a dozen of.

Carson had become that though. In the short time hed known carson it felt as if they had been hanging out forever. He didnt know everything about carson, he didnt mind, he liked learning things little bits of him as they went along. he thought he was doing pretty good at picking up things most people wouldnt, but carson was a small person shaped mass of unpredictability that kholden didnt like to pin him to anything permanent.

Kholden did know that he hated when carson got irritated. He didnt like when people pushed him in the chat room. He didnt like when he seemed down. Kholden just wanted to make things better for carson as much as possible. He knew that carsons life wasnt the best. It didnt take a genius to know that especially when it was pretty much said so by pete and alluded to by carson. Therefore Kholden just had this need in him to maybe make his school years better and if carson still wanted to keep in contact afterwards then those years as well.

Kholden knew he couldnt be there 24/7 but that didnt mean he couldnt try to be there as much as he could. If carson called him or texted him and needed him he would be there at the drop of a hat. He wasnt desperate, he wasnt clingy, he just had no one else in his life and neither did carson, well that carson would let be. He had peter, but carson didnt seem to want pete in his life, at least not like that. Kholden could at least be there when he needed. He wasnt going to give up on him like everyone else. The everyone else did not include peter though. He doesnt believe peter has given up, but Peter isnt exactly active about helping carson, something that is by no means his fault. He knows how carson reacts to Pete and pete does as much as he feels he can.

Kholden hopes that there wont be a time that carson pushes him away. Hes not a pusher and he wont push. He'll give carson time, though if there is a time he feels like maybe carson does need to be pushed then he will. Carsons not as easy to figure out as hed like to think and sometimes when he thinks somethings gonig to slide into place, it doesnt. Then at other times when he doesnt think anythings going to come of something, carson completely surprises him. To be honest there isnt a thing about carson that Kholden doesnt dislike. He may not agree with somethings, but it makes carson carson and hes very aware that carson is a bit different with him. Kholden kind of feels on top of the world because of that. He knows he cant move mountains, but its at least something.

Theres a part of him that glees a bit more then the rest, but he tries to tamper that part of him down as much as possible. kholden wont go there, he cant. This is carson. Besides hes not that type of guy and he knows neither is carson. What they have already is pretty great. He wouldnt mind a little more, but there are lines and boundaries and hes pretty sure they would both be in agreement to keeping the. Besides he thinks that they would also help in not ruining the comfortableness and trust that they have now. At least he hopes that carson trusts him. He d like to think so anyway.

Kholden made his way quickly over to the camden building. IT took a bit, traffic was kind of crazy. He pulled his hood up over his head. Hed talked himself into at least throwing on a pair of jeans and his gray hoodie. He was also wearing his mandels, it was great having them he hated socks he probably owned two pair and that was because his mother and step father had sent them to him on his past two birthdays. He was surprised they even gave him thought enough for socks. It wasnt until hed opened them, giving them a disgusted look that he saw they were his dads. He stopped making that face and rolled them up quickly putting them in his drawer and they've stayed there since. The two people he refuses to admit as his remaining parent figures were serious assholes.

Kholden pushed those thoughts from his mind and made his way up to carsons room. He ignored the looks he got and some underhand comments. Rolling his eyes he stopped at carsons room and knocked on the door. He really wasnt sure what was going on, but he was there. Thats what carson had asked for.</sup>

[carson cain walker]

<sup>It had started out a bad day for Carson. His day started off bright and early with a knock at the door. Somehow, his father had managed to get him on something else. Really, it was embarrassing to have that happen in front of bible Ben, but Carson was beginning to get used to the treatment. The woman stated his offense, which, of course, had something to do with underaged drinking, and proceeded to tell him his rights as she handcuffed him. That was just the start of Carson's morning. Yet again his father had managed to have him arrested and brought downtown. Carson didn't protest when he was shoved in the back of a cruiser that wasn't the woman that arrested him. He knew what would happen next. What would happen next would be this... his father would pull up in their drive way, un-handcuff him, and pretend to be a loving father until entering the house. Carson didn't even want to think about the rest. It was something that he was used to... though he wished he weren't.

Carson had taken the beating as it came to him, then found his own way back to the school. He had decided at that point that he would get on that chat and see if Kholden was on. Kholden had this strange way of making him feel better about things. But that feeling was short lived because blondie just had to be on at that time too. It wasn't that Carson hated blondie... oh, wait... it was. Carson wasn't her biggest fan to say the least and he just wanted Kholden to himself. It wasn't one of those "talk about your problem" moments with blondie there. Licking his lips, Carson lay his cell phone on his night stand and lay back in his bed. Carson was shirtless, letting the freshly made bruises set in before putting fabric over them. They still hurt, which shouldn't have been a big surprise to Carson. He gently smoothed his fingers over the bruises already turning a dark purpley green on his chest and over his abdomen. Even to the slightest touch it ached... but again... that all went with the territory. Carson wouldn't complain or bitch about them.

He still wondered for a moment what he had been thinking when he invited Kholden earlier. Carson turned his head, but immediately regretted it. There was a burn mark just below his neckline from where his father had taken advantage of the fact that he was wearing a cross necklace. Carson now bore a mark of the every reason he hated religion. He knew that Kholden would be showing up soon and his choices were to either stay shirtless and let Kholden see the mess he was really in or put on a shirt and pretend that he was just needy for a moment. Carson quickly decided against putting a shirt on. It was Kholden. There was no need for Carson to pretend everything was find and dandy to begin with. The chances were that Kholden would see right through it and end up pressuring answers out of him anyway. He would have ended up wasting energy to put on a shirt when he would end up taking it back off anyway. That wasn't Carson's style.

There was finally a knock at the door. Carson was all excited for a moment, glad that he would just have someone to talk to. But then he realized that he would have to get up to get the door. Wincing, Carson moved off of his bed and slowly walked toward the door. It was amazing how the focus point had been his chest and abdomen, yet his whole body hurt. Carson pulled the door open and pushed it back so Kholden would have enough time to step in. Carson turned and moved back toward his bed, laying back down in the position that he had been in before Kholden had arrived. "Thanks for coming." Carson said in a sharp voice. He wasn't angry or upset with Kholden, but his voice held that natural edge to it. Plus, the pain mixing in wasn't helping anything. Carson looked down at the bruises, then looked up at Kholden. "Just don't ask any questions, okay?" He said finally. Carson wasn't prepared to answer a hundred questions about what happened.

Carson ran his fingers through his hair, hating that Kholden had to see him like this. But- hey- Kholden signed up for the best friend package and that was what Kholden would get. He would have to deal with everything and that meant the moments that Carson was unwilling to share with anyone else. "No questions..." Carson mused once more, his eyes shutting. "Just... lay here with me." Kholden wouldn't even have to say anything. Just knowing that there was someone willing to be with him was more than enough. There was no telling what Kholden had been doing when Carson had asked him to come. But that just showed Carson that he had managed to pick a good friend. He hated that he had compared Kholden to Alex before... because Alex wouldn't have come to him. Kholden officially took the top spot in Carson's life... but that was something that Carson would just have to hold in.</sup>

[kholden phinneaus jackson]

<sup>Kholden wasnt sure what to expect when he got to carsons. He placed his hands on his hips as he waited for the door to open. It didnt take long and at first he didnt get that good look at carson, not that he was really looking for something, but he stepped in closing the door. His eyes falling on carson as carson moved back to the bed, his movements different and thats when kholden saw the discoloring on his body. He frowned his brows drawing together. The mood in the room and just the way he was being, Kholden could tell this wasnt some play yard fight. He doubted carson got jumped because hed probably be like... telling the story about the group of dipshits that decided they were going to come kick his ass.

He almost asked what it was, but carson beat him to it. If carson didnt want to talk then he wouldnt push him to. He wasnt nosy, sure hed like to know so whoever it was he could plot death against and then when he got a chance, go kill them. Of course he was sure it wasnt that easy in this case, but that didnt mean it wouldnt be a nice thought.

Kholden slipped his flip flops off and then moved over to the bed crawling up next to him and layed down. He turned onto his side facing carson, looking over the damage before reaching over and barely brushing his fingers over a particularly nasty bruise that was developing. His eyes fixated on it for a moment before finally bringing them up to carsons. He looked at him a moment and then cracked a smirk. You know... if you walk around with your shirt off like that, and that naturally deadly look of yours...' he flicked some hair from his face. "I bet people would wanna fuck with you even less then they probably already do.' he nodded. "Could put some scratches on your back and say you went a round with none other then BIG FUCKING FOOT... he nodded. Just like that. I bet youd make it believable and then youd be like some crazy ass motherfucker.. he let out a barely there little laugh and then moved his hand from the bruise so his arm was laying across carsons chest.

He wasnt so sure hed let him, much less want him to. On top of that he didnt know if it was going to hurt him. Kholden scooted down a little so he could slide his other arm underneath a pillow and lay his head down, propping himself up enough so he could be on eye level with carson. "this okay man? he asked. He knew carson invited him up here to just be there and he wasnt sure if he was in the mood for him to invade his personal space, but kholden just kind of wanted to hold him. There was a part inside of him that was stewing, ready to pummel the person who did this to carson. He didnt know much about his home life, just knew it was not ... awsome and this personal home based feeling he got from carson, kind of was making him think that this was all from a result of being home. Kholden didnt care, he wanted to kill his dad if thats who it was. Though since he couldnt, especially right now, he had this immense feeling to protect him and holding him would help. Of course if carson didnt want that... well he could deal.</sup>

[carson cain walker]

<sup>Carson could tell that Kholden wasn't oblivious to his physical condition. As much as Carson sometimes wanted to tell someone about it... he just didn't want to speak too soon. In that aspect Carson was a coward. He was too afraid to let someone know his inner workings. If people knew too much, then that would be enough for them to use against him. Not that Carson thought Kholden would want to use that against him... just that he didn't really want to risk anything. The only person that knew about any of this was Peter an that was only because it happened to Peter sometimes too. One thing that Carson was glad for was that Kholden respected his request that no questions be asked. That made Carson feel a little better about the whole situation.

When Kholden climbed into the bed Carson noticed an immediate difference. Maybe it just felt nice to have someone beside him... or maybe it was just that it felt nice having Kholden beside him. Either way, Carson tried to ignore it, staring at the ceiling. He wasn't that great at dealing with those kinds of emotions or situations. Carson bit his lower lip as he felt Kholden's fingertips brush against his bruised skin. It didn't hurt as much as Carson thought it would, but the feeling was still sort of surprising to him. Carson didn't protest to the touch. Deep down Carson told himself that he didn't need to let that happen, but he ignored that voice and focused more on what Kholden was saying to him at the moment. He turned his dark brown eyes to Kholden. "Mm, yeah, too bad I'm already considered a crazy ass mother fucker by most people here." He said, managing a smirk.

As Kholden's arm moved to lay across his chest, Carson winced at the momentary pain that came from it, but he didn't say anything about it. It wasn't long before Carson's natural front made its way back. "It's fine." Carson answered. He kind of didn't want Kholden to move it. The mere fact that Kholden was still there made enough of a difference. Carson figured he really owed Kholden for that. No one had really cared enough to stay like that... or at least that Carson would give the chance to. "The running story... is supposed to be that I was arrested for underaged drinking, put in a holding cell, and beat by a group of boys while in holding." Carson sighed, "Then, after getting out, to show my 'attitude of rebellion'," Carson added, putting air quotes around "attitude of rebellion". "I burned an upside down cross into my skin." For a moment Carson looked away from Kholden. "Makes sense, right? Sound like something I might do?"

Actually, Carson wasn't the one that came up with that story. His father was always pretty good at setting a scene. "Just listen to me for a minute. I don't want any sympathy. I just want you to listen." He said, sitting up, leaning his back against the headboard of his bed. "My Dad's a police officer. His job is to protect and serve the city of Chicago. This applies to everyone in Chicago that isn't me and Pete. The only reason we put up with this shit is because as much as we hate our dad he's still our dad and i'll be damned if we don't kind of love him too." Carson spoke in the same dangerous tone he used in every day conversation. He thought about his mother and how much he wished she would come back, but it was a thought he quickly pushed away. "This happens about once a month to Peter and about twice a month for me. We're used to it know. It's gone on... since I can remember."

Carson shrugged, "But don't go thinking that's the reason I act the way I do." He warned. "Some people have thought that and that's not the reason. But yeah... that's all I feel like telling you right now. And don't go telling Pete I told you any of that either." Carson licked his lips. "That's kind of our secret." He looked down to Kholden's arm, draped across his chest. Carson moved his hand up to trace the length of Kholden's arm with his fingertips. He wasn't quite sure why he was doing it, but he was.</sup>

[kholden phinneaus jackson]

<sup>Kholden was glad when Carson said it was fine. Kholden held his arm awkwardly, not because he had it on carson but because he was trying not to let it lay completely on him yet he wanted it around him. He had seen him wince and he hated that his comfort hurt, but it seemed unavoidable. He could at least try to keep it from hurting too much even if his arm was starting to kink and hurt its self the way he was holding it. At least his head was comfortable, the pillow was nice. Pete always told him how comfortable his bed was, but Kholden was starting to think he just might prefer carsons bed over his.

Kholdens breathing became slow as he listened to carson and he frowned. He really could not believe what he was hearing. He really really wanted to seriously fuck carsons dad up, but of course that wasnt an option. Its one thing having an idea of whats going on, but its another to actually hear it. Especially from Carson while hes laying there showing the marks of it all over his body. Kholden was not a hateful person. He hated that he nearly hated his step dad and... mom at times as well. He just didnt like that emotion but carson was kind of really special to him and he knew that probably sounded incredibly gay to people but thats just how he felt. Granted he didnt actually say that aloud, but if it would happen to come up then... yeah.

Kholden didnt say anything, more so made a 'hmm' sound in response. He wasnt going to agree to the 'story' that his father so nicely seemed to make up for him but at the same time he had a feeling Carson didnt want him to say anything against it. Maybe if they were in a different time, maybe if it came up later he would say something, but right now he just didnt think carson wanted to deal with that. He knew Carson knew that it wasnt right, but there were some situations that it wasnt as easy to change as most would think. He would be quite the hypocrit if he sat here and told carson that it wasnt right that he could just leave his dad, take it to someone show them what was going on or maybe wear a wire, have someone video it from a far so he would have evidence.

It wasnt easy though and even if they could do that, it didnt meant they actually could. Like carson had stated already, it was their father and even though he treated them like that, they still loved him. Carson didnt have to worry about him giving him sympathy. Granted maybe there was a little bit, it was a natural thing, but it wasnt something that Kholden was actively putting out there. He was dealing with his own stuff and he didnt want sympathy or to bother anyone with it, so he chose not to tell anyone, not even carson. Besides carson had enough on his place and it was far worse then what he was dealing with.

Kholden was there to be a friend. He would listen to carson bare anything to him that he chose to whether it was to vent or if it was to just get off his chest or what not. He was there to let carson know that he wasnt alone, that he didnt have to take everything and deal with it by himself. Even if he didnt want kholden to physically do anything about it, well he was stuck just having kholden there.

When carson said how often it happened and how long it had been going on, kholdens fingers pressed a little into his skin and his jaw tightened a bit, but that was it. He didnt say anything. He dropped his gaze from Carsons face and found it looking at one of the bruises. He gave a small smirk looking back up at him. Oh.. naw... I never entertained such a ridiculous idea. his tone light in response of this not being what makes him the way he is. You're carson... thats about it. he nodded then he nodded, looking a little more serious. "Dont worry man. Between us... he nodded again. "Always his fingers started to move in a light circular motion where they rested. He glanced down as he felt carsons hand on his arm. A hint of a smile touched his lips. He hoped he was helping at least a little...</sup>

[carson cain walker]

<sup>It was hard for Carson to talk about his dad and what happened on a monthly basis to Pete and himself. There were just some things that didn’t need to be spoken of on a daily basis and that was one that Carson considered to be a secret. He had never really talked about it with anyone other than Pete. Peter was able to make suggestive comments about it, hinting at a situation, but Carson just… he couldn’t talk about it like that. Then again, he definitely wasn’t as open as his brother was. Carson knew that Peter had nightmares about it sometimes. He knew what that was like, except for he didn’t have nightmares… he lived one. For years Carson had choked back the anxiety and fear, putting up a courageous front for his twin brother. After all, one of them had to be strong enough. There had been a time, Carson could remember, that he had stood up for Peter and taken the attention of his more fragile brother. But now Carson didn’t want to send mixed messages. Peter seemed to think he was capable of handling it… so Carson stepped down for his former habit of stepping in.

Afraid, that’s what Carson was. There was an undying fear in the pit of his stomach that just wouldn’t die. For the longest time Carson had no one to share it with. He refused to let Peter know that he was afraid and it was out of the question to tell anyone else about it. Carson was convinced people would think that he was crazy. It wasn’t the abuse that Carson was afraid of. What Carson was afraid of was himself. Being no idiot, Carson could easily see the things in his personal life that made him seem just like his dear old dad. Actually, he was surprised that Peter never pointed it out. There were certain things that Carson was able to change so that he didn’t seem like his father. He was able to manage a clean record of no physical violence. The only fist fights Carson had ever been in he simply allowed the other person to wail on him. But that was about the only thing and that screwed with Carson’s head. He could still remember his father coming home in the evening, cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. There had been one point where Carson vowed to quit smoking… but that wasn’t something he could do on his own.

Somehow Carson’s thoughts weren’t as pointed as he thought they would be. Usually, when thinking about any of that stuff, he would have an overwhelming urge to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and down a six pack of beer. But this time it was different. This time there were no overwhelming urges for alcohol or cigarettes. Carson felt… oddly satisfied. He didn’t want to jump to conclusions about what was causing it, but he had a good idea. Biting his lip as Kholden’s fingers dug into his skin a bit, Carson wished that he hadn’t said anything about how often it happened. It wasn’t like that was something that Kholden needed to know. There Carson was spilling his guts about something that otherwise he would not be comfortable with talking about… and even the slight pain seemed unimportant at the moment. Carson smirked at Kholden’s words. He was glad that Kholden wasn’t taking the explanation as serious as it was. There were enough things to be serious about any other day, but Carson didn’t want this to stay serious. He had explained what happened… then all he wanted to do was lay there with Kholden. Was that too much to ask? It appeared not, and for that Carson was grateful.

“Damn straight I’m Carson.” Carson replied bluntly with a smirk. “Don’t think I could be anyone else.” That was the truth. Carson could never imagine being anything or anyone other than what he was already. Changing wasn’t in the cards for him or at least that was what he thought. He didn’t look at the bigger picture, which was that he was beginning to change in ways he had never thought possible. When Kholden adapted a more serious look Carson still smirked. He didn’t want to lose the mood that Kholden had created. “Right,” Carson said, his eyes drifting down toward Carson’s fingers, which were moving in circular motions. ”…always.” The word felt funny to Carson. He almost felt as if he were making some sort of verbal agreement there that might be used against him later. At the moment Carson was perfectly content with always. There was really no telling how long always would be, though. Always could be tomorrow or always could be twenty years from now. Carson just couldn’t be sure if he were good enough to be an always person. The bigger question would have to be whether or not Carson would really want to be an always person.

Carson continued to trail his fingertips along Kholden’s arm until he finally stopped and rested his hand flat on Kholden’s arm. “I’m going to try and stop smoking.” Carson said softly. The softness in his tone surprised him… as if it were some delicate phrase that needed careful attention. He turned his up, his eyes connecting with Kholden’s. “I need you,” Carson added, “To be my curse, well, you know… in a good way.” The running joke had been that every time Carson had spoken to Kholden he had run out of cigarettes. It had gotten to the point that Kholden kept cigarettes in his dorm just for Carson. As much as Carson appreciated that, it was just another way that he felt like he was being a bad friend to Kholden. Smoking was one of the main things that made him feel like he was turning into his father. If he could get rid of that, then maybe there would be some hope. It was a place for Carson to start, but it was a battle he wouldn’t be able to win on his own.</sup>

[kholden phinneaus jackson]

<sup>Kholden smirked and nodded. Mmm.. he said in agreement. I dont think I'd like you to be anyone else either... it was true. He wouldnt want carson to be anyone else. Carson was so... he was just different and he couldnt help to be drawn to him. No one was like carson and kholden didnt want anyone to be like him either. He liked the fact that Carson didnt seem to get pissed or irritated with him. He really didnt know how they ever became friends, you wouldnt think they were kind of opposites, but here they were, best friends and Kholden had never clicked with someone as much as he seemed to click with Carson. It felt good, carson made him feel good.

Kholden liked that Carson confirmed for always. It brought him back to those times when death was brought up in the chat room. He just... he didnt like to think that. If carson said always, then at least he meant for as long as life let him and not for as long as he allowed his own life to go. He moved just a little bit closer when he felt Carson lay his hand flat on his arm instead. He just really wanted to snuggle up next to him, but he didnt want to push anything.

Carsons next words had his breathing stop momentarily. Their eyes met and he gave a small nod followed by the quirk of his lips. "Hey... ill be anything you need car. he said. Ill help you with... whatever you need. he told him genuinely. You sure car? he asked. I know I give you shit about it, but... If you dont really want to, Im not going to make you. he told him. He liked being his curse... in a good way. But... he also didnt want carson to feel like he had to change. He knew he gave carson shit for it, but he didnt want carson to think that he was was harping on him to quit. Sure he would like it if carson quit, he didnt want carson to get cancer or any of that shit. It was bad enough getting all that from the clubs, but to add to it by smoking. He wanted a long time to chill with carson, if something was going to kill him let it be old age, or something against his will like a car accident, though he didnt want that either but not something from nicotine.</sup>

[carson cain walker]

<sup>"Well, no changing for you either." Carson said. He would be stubborn about that. There was no way he would ever want Kholden to change. "I happen to love you just the way you are." He closed his eyes, trying to imagine that he had worded that a bit differently. Carson sighed, "You know, the friend love." He didn't want to lead Kholden on, though he tended to do that more often than he should. Carson didn't need Kholden thinking that there was some sort of romantic meaning behind his words. Kholden was a guy... and Carson was straight... there was no way... absolutely no way that he could have meant it the other way. But Carson was sure that Kholden wouldn't care and most likely wouldn't think to correct him. Still, Carson knew that he had made the mistake and that bothered him a little bit.

The matter of always was a new thing to Carson. Carson had never been big on commitment to anything. Who could look at a boy who treats his own brother like shit and think he was capable of always? This just showed Carson that Kholden thought a lot more of him than most people did. Kholden was willing to risk always, but Carson was just a little uncertain. He just couldn't be sure how long his always would be and therein was the danger of always. Carson opened his eyes, looking down at his bruised body. He could feel Kholden beginning to move closer. Oh he wanted that. Carson wanted Kholden to move closer to him... comfort him... but there was a part of him still that just wouldn't really allow it. Carson was still working on tearing that part of him down. He didn't want to hold anything back, but at the same time Carson was way too wary of putting it all forward.

When Kholden said that he would be anything that he needed... Carson glanced away. That was... Carson wasn't even sure. He didn't want to take it the wrong way... just words between friends. But really, it was a spoken promise and Carson knew that. He didn't know what to say or how to react. Luckily Kholden continued. "No... I'm not... I'm not doing this because of you." Carson slowly, painfully turned on his side to face Kholden. "No- I'm-- I know you'd never make me do anything." Carson closed his eyes before reopening them. "This is for all those people that have told me I'm just like Dad. I don't want to be like that." He sighed, "Anything like it... and since smoking is really the only thing I can fix, well, I'm fixing it." He didn't know what else to say about it. Carson wasn't used to talking about anything. All he had really done over the years was hold everything in and let them sort of stew there.

"Enough about that..." Carson said finally, moving his hand from it's spot on Kholden's arm so that it was travelling up his arm and over his shoulder and eventually finding its way into Kholden's hair. For some reason Carson just really liked touching Kholden... mostly his hair. The little unnecessary touches were enough, but Carson could never stop it before it happened. He was sure that it would get him in trouble one day.</sup>

[kholden phinneaus jackson]

<sup>Kholden chuckled. yeah yeah..i get it. I love you too man.. he tapped his fingers where they rested on his shoulder. In a friend way he added teasing lightly. He wanted to move closer, especially when Carson didnt protest to his recent movement. He wasnt going to push it though, hed made this much of a progress he was not going to push further and then destroy all of what hed gotten. Carson would move towards him when he was ready, at least he hoped so. He wasnt so sure that would actually happen.

Kholdens brow went up when Carson turned onto his side towards him. He almost told him not to when he could tell that carson was in pain, but carson was already turning so there was no point. He looked over his chest and torso again, taking in the spots that seemed to darken by the minute. He sighed inwardly and brought his dark gaze back up to Carsons, giving him a small nod when carson said he wasnt doing it for him, that it was for everyone who thought he was like his dad. Kholden had never met carsons dad, but from what he gauged he doubted he was like his father, then again everyone was like their parents a little bit. Maybe he was, but not entirely. Who knows.

Kholden nodded. Yeah... okay he told him. Carson let a little out, it wasnt much but kholden knew if he had wanted to continue he would have. Do you want some help?' he asked. you know... cause quitting something like that... well its not easy, so if you want help... well im offering my services. he smirked again.

He felt carsons hand moving again and his skin came alive under his touch as he ran it up his arm again, though this time it ended up in his hair. Kholdens eyes closed a bit and he let out a content noise. He liked that, he always liked it when carsons hands were touching him but one of his weak spots was his hair. it sent a sensation down his spine and his body shivered without him realizing it. his eyes opened, they were darkened just a little bit from the reaction. He looked down, not wanting carson to see and he closed his eyes waiting a few moments before opening them again hoping he couldnt tell. He wasnt sure if he was too late or not.</sup>

[carson cain walker]

<sup>Carson couldn't believe how much he had flubbed that up. Surely it wasn't that hard to talk to Kholden without getting all sappy and such. He didn't think there was any need for him to get too emotional, but it tended to happen anyway. It wasn't like there was anything to worry about. He was absolutely positive that Kholden thought of him as only a friend. His thoughts were backed up as Kholden replied, saying that he loved him the friend way too. Carson was not good at telling people that he loved them... or even liked them for that matter. He had never been that much of a people person before Kholden and he really wasn't sure how much that had changed after becoming friends with Kholden. Sure there were some changes... but not really enough to count for everyone else. Most of the changes were to accommodate Kholden.

It was a good thing that Kholden was offering to help him out. There was no way Carson would be able to manage it on his own. Every little thing caused him to want to smoke now and he knew that the urge would still be there when he would get stressed out or upset about something. Carson could be the poster boy for stress smoking, but he didn't want to push the envelope too far. Now that he knew there was someone who wanted him to live... it made it so much harder for him to seriously keep it up. After lying to himself for years, Carson just wanted to pull himself together before he ended up in a really really bad place... if he weren't there already. Maybe that was Kholden's purpose in his life.. or something like that. Weren't things supposed to have a purpose? Carson wasn't sure what purpose was about yet, but he wanted to figure it out.

"Yeah, thanks... I'm going to need as much help as I can get." Carson admitted finally. It was another rare thing that Carson admit he needed help. "I'm... mostly a stress smoker." He said, not even thinking at what kind of stuff about himself he might be giving away. "Um, this week alone I think I've smoked three packs." He closed his eyes, letting his hand drop from Kholden's hair, down to Kholden's side. Carson just... he was surprised at how much he just liked laying there in Kholden's arms. It was... nice. Friend nice. Yeah... Carson thought, with eyes closed, about the events of the day. Night was closing in and Carson didn't want to be alone. Sure Bible Ben would be there... but honestly, Ben did nothing to make Carson feel like he wasn't alone.

Carson finally opened his eyes, "This is gonna sound gay and stupid... and whatever... I don't care... but..." He trailed off, wondering if he should even ask. "Will you sleep here tonight? I mean, we can share the bed or whatever... I just... you know... I don't want to be alone and I don't want Bible Ben jumping on my case." He snorted as his eyes connected with Kholden's. "You're the only one I can trust."</sup>

[kholden phinneaus jackson]

<sup>Kholden nodded. Yeah, no problem. he said. You know im always here, right. Like... if you ever need anything, even if its just to talk whether its to say something to get off your chest of if its just to have someone you know... there, you can come to me right? Call me any time day or night or early morning or whatever. Dont ever feel like you have to deal something alone. At least not physically anyway... Kholden told him sincerely. He just wanted Carson to know he at least had someone solid there for him no matter what.

Judging by the bruises on his body, Kholden wouldnt doubt that all those smoked cigarettes were justified. Carson obviously had a lot of stress and thinking back everytime he was talking to him whether through text or on the chat, he was always smoking. It made Kholden frown. He didnt like thinking that carson seemed to be stressed pretty much all the time. He liked to hope he could at least relieve some of that, but unfortunately Kholden was one person and he knew that there was so much more in carsons life that he had no control over or any bit in at all. He would not be able to help him on those aspects and he hated that.

This brought on the thought of ben. That little bible thumping kid was another big stress to carson and carson had to stay with him. Maybe they could see if they couldnt switch him rooms. He just didnt want ben to continue bothering carson. He knew that ben probably didnt realize what he was doing and that kid was seriously demented to go around trying to tell people that they were all going to go to hell if they didnt right their ways and what not. Kholden was usually a pretty easy going guy, but this affected carson and in that, it affected kholden and he wasnt down with that.

Kholden snorted a bit and shook his head. He wasnt laughing at carson, but they seemed to have gone past the sap part tonight that anything else would be fine anyway. it as tonight and tonight was different. He raised both brows as Carsons question finally hit him. He nodded then. Yeah sure. I can stay here tonight. he told him. Maybe we can freak him out by sharing the same bed. he smirked slightly, reaching up to brush carsons bangs from his face. Naw its cool though, anything you need man. he said his eyes connecting with Carsons as he said he was the only one he could trust. he just gave him a small nod in response. He leaned forward not really thinking and brushed his lips lightly over carsons it was a brief touch and he pulled back. You need anything to drink or... you hungry or anything. I mean... ill get it if you need. he added.</sup>

[carson cain walker]

<sup>Carson nodded, just glad that he had some form of stability in his life. There had just been so many instances when Carson thought that he had something that would last forever and it wouldn't. First, Carson believed his mother would always be in his life, there to ignore him, but at the same time make things better... but she left and things got even worse. Then Carson found the guitar of his dreams and thought music would last him forever, but his father found it and made him smash it to pieces. Next, there was Peter. Carson thought if anything his twin would be forever, but even that had fallen to pieces. Then Carson found alcohol and cigarettes, but he was now aware that those weren't the things he needed forever to be. "Yeah, thanks, man." Carson replied, thinking about how Kholden seemed to be the only thing he could rely on. But could Kholden be forever? In Carson's limited experience... he wasn't even sure forever was real or at least not attainable by human beings.

"I... started smoking when I was 12 years old." Carson admitted. "For five years I smoked no less than five packs a week. I've... settled down a lot in the last two years." Carson shrugged, "It all adds up, though, right? I mean, I don't care if I get lung cancer or anything, but... whatever." Carson didn't think he should have said anything about lung cancer. Kholden always seemed to get defensive when Carson walked about death and he didn't want to egg it on. He wanted the conversation to be over and he was glad when it was. Carson didn't want to think about dying at the moment... he had promised Kholden always and as hard as that would be he would try and do that. Carson had no doubt that it would really test his strength. The bad part was that Carson was aware of just how weak he really was. Always would definitely be hard.

Carson was so glad that Kholden had decided to stay with him for the night. He smiled as Kholden brushed his bangs out of his face. "Sounds like a plan. I always enjoy freaking Bible Ben out." That Carson did enjoy. Ben was annoying for one reason and that was that Ben tried too often to change him. Carson didn't want to be forced to change. If there were to be any changing he would want to do it on his own. Ben was just more than Carson cared to deal with. Then again, there were a lot of things that Carson didn't care to deal with. He felt like he needed a cigarette at that very moment, but he didn't want to say anything about it. Carson had to fight back that urge. This time he wasn't just cutting back in numbers, but he was cutting them out completely. When Carson had been 17 he had decided that he wouldn't smoke as many as 5 packs a week. That was when he cut down to four. Then 18 Carson managed to cut down to 3. But Carson hadn't been able to get past that. This time it would be different. This time Carson had Kholden.

Carson had been in the middle of discerning his thoughts when he felt Kholden's lips brush against his. It wasn't the kind of kiss that screamed let's make out, but it was softer... more... Carson didn't want to attach the word romantic to it, but that was the only thing that seemed to fit with him at that moment. He shook his head slightly when Kholden asked him if he needed anything. "No, I'm fine... just, you know... stay right here." Carson nuzzled his nose against Kholden's neck. "Just don't leave me right now." Food and drink could come later on. Carson just wanted to lay there in Kholden's arms. It was a dangerous feeling that he was sure he could get used to.</sup>