Tell me Im Crazy

[ashton cole johnson]

T-H-I-S N-O-T-E-B-O-O-K
B-E-L-O-N-G-S T-O

A S H T O N C O L E J O H N S O N

[ashton cole johnson]

<sup>...... This is crap. I dont fucking care. Fucking assholes can take it up the ass for all I care, im not taking anymore goddamn medication! Nothing helps! I should flush the fucking things and then be like.. no sorry they didnt work. I dont even know what they are for, what they think I need them for. I DONT NEED THEM!!! I am perfectly fine how I am!. They dont know anything, I havent said anything to them they just think they know. THey like to sit in their pretty little desks in their tidy little offices and then judge anyone who comes in. They have the right to judge, they can write out their little slips of paper all they want, give perscriptions cause they think they need to.

Well FUCK Them. FUCK The goddamn Government. FUCK the world. I know whats going on. You see those goddamn conspiracy movies. Well I dont think they are far too off. I think that they are starting to insert something in babies no a days. One day we will all me mother fucking robots. not real like mechanical ones, but mind washed. Everything has something behind it. I just know it.

I think someones stealing my pills. I was going to flush them, theres only a couple left. I dont remember taking them. I wouldnt have taken them. I dont believe they work. You know what i think they are. I think they're those... placebo.. is that the word? I think they are those pills the ones filled with water or whatever they fill them with. TIs all a mind trick, docturs even do it. They dont care about your health thye just want you to think you can trust them, but they are the least to trust. FUCK THEM!!!

.... Sometimes im not sure i can trust myself. I dont think i know what im doing. Sometimes I think i do something, but im not sure. I cant be sure. I think its a dream, but.. I dont know. I wish i could cut my lids off so i wouldnt have to close them therefore not have to sleep. I cant sleep unless my lids are closed. I dont like what i see when im asleep. Some nights its worse and some nights... some nights i dont know. Sometimes i have no recollection of things. Its so goddamn frustrating.

THE ONLY MOTHER FUCKING DRUGS I NEED ARE THE ONES I SMOKE! They can suck it! GET YOUR ASS ONE OF THO....

I didnt think not talking to pete would bother me so much. I dont think its that i was bothered by it because I like him. I mean... hes just a guy and yeah obviously im attracted to him. We kind of made out which was hot by the way. I dont even.. it was just.. it happened. I walked over and we just started making out. It was nice, he was nice. I think... no I dont know. He has nice lips and he felt good. I know i wouldnt mind seeing him again, make out some more. He really does know how to kiss. NOt a lot of people... he knew what to do. hes a virgin though... its weird. Well not really i dont know. but whatever carson made a stupid bet with me. I dont know why i took it. I mean.. it wasnt anything really it was stupid and I didnt really know pete still dont actually but whatever.

I think it would have been okay, but... god i guess I... well sometimes i would go on the chat and there he was. He just... the way he tried to talk to me. It was I dont kow but i felt bad. I shouldnt have though I dont know him i just was bored that day. Hes a nice guy though... I mean i lurk a bit and i know the shit that goes on and well his brother can get pretty bad with him. I guess i just... must just feel bad for him. he didnt deserve that specially since i know hes not the type of guy that just makes out and then doesnt care the next day. ITs almsot as bad as a one night stand...

YOU DONT NEED THAT SHIT! HAVE TO PUT HIM OUT OF MY MIND! LEt someone close and they get fucking nosy. THey get nosy and start to find ways of getting information out of you. NO ONE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU! no one! they werent before, no one was there for you before it was just you and that man. just YOU... me... me and that man. He should have been there that day, that day that everything happened. He deserved it all as well, just like yo..my pa..STOP FUCKING WRITING!

I did it... i thought. But then at the party... he touched me. I tried to ignore him.. i thought i could but then he was walking away... saying he wouldnt bother me anymore. Something in me.. i didnt want that. Fuck carson and the bet. ... well sort of i still didnt exactly talk to him.. just kind of.. kissed him again. Well really the guy performed some really hot... amazing songs. Im a sucker for people that can get into it like that, besides I think that his voice alone could probably ... no .. i wont its... whatever.

I dont care i dont know. I dont want anything serious, but so far hes the only person ive ever really been able to tolerate. I did go hang out at the museum with that one chick, but my mind had been prooccupied with the fact id only done that to keep pete from hanging with her.

Yeah! If I CANT fucking talk to him then NO ONE should!!!

Sometimes i feel weird like someones watching me... its usually then that... i hear things. am I going crazy? maybe im haunted. I believe in ghosts... it really does happen. I dont like feeling like that, but .. i guess at least im not alone. Somethings there... maybe thats why I keep thinking about Peter...

maybe Peter could just ke</sup>