Dont Know Why

[kholden phinneaus jackson]

KHOLDEN PHINNEAUS JACKSON




MY JOURNAL BITCHES!!

[kholden phinneaus jackson]

<sup>So... i am either the most sexual fucking creature in the world... or the gayest! Thats right, I dont know. Maybe I just like sex. Sex sex sex sex SEX!!! I love... fucking sex! thats right... anything that looks like it has potential... im all up ons! of course on chat i just flirt, but really it helps weed some people out. So .. whatever. I guess what i man to say when i say gayest is that....

lately... okay yeah... i thought it was games.. maybe it is. I just dont know my part anymore. I know his part. His parts always the same and always will be and as long as I remember that then well i think all should be okay. But really what the hell.... I dont know my part anymore. I just dont get what goes on in my head half the time when it comes to him.

I dont normally care what people do, i really do to each his own, but... i mean.. youd think with him I would just... not be able to stand him. Like... I dont really have friends friends, you know just people i chill and or have sex with. But like.. still he like everytime they get into a fight over the chat and do you know who i blame!... not him! hes like im capable of getting my irritation. seriously the only time im irritated with him is when he says goes along with the death thing, but.. thats not even irritation thats more worry then anything.

I dont know... hes like... its weird. we click so .. well and like we just have this bond. I would do anything for him. Fucking... sometimes... i mean okay i should admit.. i do.. i think maybe i do have a crush on him. and hes fucking straight... my luck the first .. well okay the second time i ever had a crush like a full on crush... it had to be with a straight guy. The first time it was a girl... was in third grade... she was new so pretty with blond hair... mm.. i think i like blond hair... well obviously not with carson.

...... hmmm

I like m&m's ... im going to eat all of these m&m's... good god thats an annoying word to type
its like.. you have to put two ms but you have to use the shift just to the the & and thats like in the middle of the letters so you're reaching your finger over and a... just... its annoying im not putting that candy in anymore and HOLY GOD That fucking hurts!! why is chocolate hurting my teeth this should not be happening, chocolate is suppose to be soothing, its suppose to give you happy endorphines!! thats so stupid!!.. its going to make me fatter... my love handles will be love tires!!!

I really would rub carsons stomach... i think i will. Next time i see him. did i mention that I am obsessed with him. Yup its a challenge, which by the way I love his challenges he seems to always challenge me.. not that i complain. I dont care i like challenges though even if i lose i dont care.

I seriously cant wait for vegas. Is it weird that i have katy perrys song waking up in vegas in my head. Im so humming that like every day... tilli go to vegas. I am going to fucking VEGAS baby! and im taking my little obsesion with me. its going to be wicked. I think this time away will be good for Carson. I think... i think it reallly will. I need to go to vegas... im taking my dads inheritance and blowing all of it. I hope i fucking lose! every last dime. maybe ill win a little bit but.. then ill give it to carson.

I dont care. I plan on giving carson the time of his life in vegas. He wont even know what hit him. I need it too though. I am going to forget all this shit thats going on here. God.. i just... i cant deal with him. With sean... I really just wish my mom would remember that shes my mom. My flesh and fucking blood and stop worrying so much about how well off she needs to be. I know she wants my inheritance, thats why. Dad didnt leave her anything it all went to me. Thats why they are even thinking of suing me now. god... damn.

I wont be able to afford school if they win. they probably will seans a fucking lawyer. god... i told carson i was going to leave. I dont want to.. well i could care shit about school now. Whats it getting me anyway, i just went to get the fuck away from sean... better then him sending me to boot camp which is where he orginially planned to send me. FUck me in bootcamp?? fuck that... i have no wind copacity with all the weed i fucking smoke. which i need some more goddamn weed i just smoked the last of it. FUCK maybe i should pick up smoking its probably safer and its cheaper. I dont think i need too many degrees to become a photographer. Maybe if they jsut see how good i am it can be like those underdog things. I wont need certificates... just... proof that i can do what i want to do and do it right.

im going to find a place... take my cats and .. shit.. my cats what am i going to do with my cats ... i wont be able to afford them. FUCK ... whatever.. ill deal with that when it comes.

Do you think i could sneak that money to carson without him realizing it??? I ... cant have it. they'll take it, but .. i would rather him have it anyway.... i just cant let him know. He'll start asking questions and well... theres a role i play. The role is carefree and problem free. He doesnt need the addition of my problems or whatever. Hes got enough on his plate and besides mines shit compared to what im sure his is. Id rather help him then let my shit out. i like being his relief. It helps me feel better and i forget about my own shit...

thats what...

carson is carson.. hes my carson... lol my obsession! ... this is fun...

i just... hope that whatever happens i dont lose him. ya know... that would fucking suck. Hes the only real real REAL Friend i have and hes like... my grounder. I bounce so much with people between them and whatever, but.. so far hes been my constant and i dont want to fuck that up.

i should stop... this is getting just.. god i feel like im fucking emo i am so not emo

apparently im a valley girl in a druggy ass dudes body but whateves!

mmm.. music... im going to watch 30 days of night.. fucking.. love that shit!

laterz!

ps. so i was thinking... since i have thsi fucking crush on a fucking straight guy ... i need to find some more fucking people to... try and get over it. whatever screw people that say thats not the answer, its all i know an dim sticking to it. Of course these chicks here apparently are all too good to have one night stands so i need to find some other chicks. WHO THE FUCK WILL LET ME FUCK THEM THAT DOESNT HAVE AN STFUCKINGD!!!

who knows... I dont know. Is it weird that i ... like.. flirt more with carson then i do with the girls anymore??

this is ridiculous... maybe i should stop flirting with carson.. heh.. yeah we'll see how well that works out.. its like.. its not that i do it on purpose.. it just.. happenes... fuck its so natural goddam him for being so goddamn irrisistable... at least to me. god i sound so gay

i am the gayest mother fucker ever!! thats what!.. WHAT!</sup>

[kholden phinneaus jackson]

<sup>This post is ggoing to be short, but massively sweet cause really.....


VEGAS BABY!

nuff said really!

I... yeah okay yeah... red eye flight out tonight, carson'll be here soon. So .. its a good thing i packed weeks ago... though i did pilfer through it a couple times better double check.

Okay... shit... i am so not going to try and carry on any fucking drugs... did that once... was not pretty... I think ill take this hour to relax and... smoke one up a bit. yeah....

okay so like i said short and sweet, nothing much else to say right now cause reallly... god vegas ive missed you so much.... I am going to have to make a few calls get some things moved around so ill have money in my account.

I am so flying us first class baby!

okay really im leaving now. See ya laterz!</sup>