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Post by carson cain walker on May 26, 2009 20:29:28 GMT -5
 , CARSON CAIN WALKER ![/color][/font] -----------------------------------------------------------------[/color][/font] read this. i dare you....
open this and die, fucker.
you think i'm kidding? TRY ME.[/color][/font] -----------------------------------------------------------------[/color][/font] , BOX OF TRICKS ![/color][/font] -----------------------------------------------------------------[/color][/font] 001 ••• BUILD GOD, THEN WE'LL TALK
002 ••• IT'S ALL TOO MUCH
003 ••• OUTTA MY SYSTEM
004 ••• OUT OF MY HEART
005 ••• THE OPPOSITE[/color][/color][/font] -----------------------------------------------------------------[/color][/font][/center] |
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Post by carson cain walker on Jun 7, 2009 13:22:25 GMT -5
BUILD GOD, THEN WE'LL TALK
I'm out of cigarettes again.
So I got to thinking about why I smoke. I could blame it on Dad, him being the one that introduced the habit to me in the first place, but that wouldn't help me any. Maybe the reason I smoke is because I would like to speed things up... you know, help my ultimate demise along the way. Everyone lives to die eventually, right?
Got my huge party tonight. Honestly, I'm a little worried about it being open invite. I just know a fight will break out or something and someone will get killed. Oh well. The party will be the best in Camden or Harding history. I asked Peter to do the music, which was probably a mistake. Wait- no it wasn't. Peter's gonna win me that stupid bet with Ashton. So far Ashton hasn't seen Peter in public, but the guy has been doing unusually well for ignoring Peter online. For a second I was worried he might win. But tonight is the last night. I'm sure Peter will make it hard on Ashton for the last few hours. Hence why I told Peter he could take a break between every three songs. Damn, I'm devious.
I may or may not have asked Kholden out on a date. It's pretty weird thinking about it like that. I haven't been on a date in a long time. Blaine was my first REAL date. That was when I was sure he loved me... then he met Peter and all of that changed. Sometimes I regret ever letting Peter and Blaine meet. I could have prevented a lot of stuff from happening. It hurt a lot... seeing Peter and Blaine all over each other in that romantic way. Wouldn't be human if i didn't admit that I was a little jealous. I mean... I had found Blaine FIRST. Couldn't Pete back off? Nope. But I had to do what I did. Peter's under the impression that I snaked his boy friend out from under him because of all that pent up jealousy. Not quite. Dad almost killed Peter because of Blaine Cronn. I wasn't going to let that get out of hand. The best thing to do was get Blaine out of the picture... yeah... I'm sure that was the only thing I could do. Peter was much too dense to realize he needed to get out of that before Dad really did kill him.
My stupid roommate keeps saying that I deserve love... but I don't want it. Love is the worst pain I've ever experienced. Plus, it's not like anyone ever "loved" me. The people that are supposed to love me... my own parents... would rather that I didn't exist. Mom left and now Dad takes his chance to beat me and Pete when he gets the chance. How can love even really exist? Until I see the perfect example of love, everything my roommate says about it comes out as complete bullshit to me.
On that note... maybe I shouldn't think of this thing with me an Kholden as a date. I'm thinking it would probably be better to find a "friends with benefits" arrangement or something. Like... sex with no commitment or something. I'm such a horrible person for thinking that, but apparently there's no getting around it. I act funny around Kholden. I'm not sure what the hell that means, but whatever. Friends with benefits would probably work better for us anyway. No dates. None of that.
Okay, so, here's a short list of a FEW of the bad things I've done this week that probably ensure me with a spot in hell.
1. I've gone through three packs of cigarettes this week alone.
2. I've gotten drunk 6 out of 7 days.
3. Called a girl bitchface (even though she deserves is)
4. Alluded to thoughts of suicide at least three times
5. Cornered my only friend into a date-type-thing
6. Thinking about "friends with benefits" with the only friend
7. Was more abusive to Peter than usual
8. Denied Peter was my brother
9. Said I wished Peter would die and didn't care if he did
10. Made Ashton stop talking to Peter
11. Oh, and angered my only friend because I can't stop fighting with people
Yeah, that's a list of 11 and that really only covers a few days out of the week. There's hundreds of things that I've done... I just know it. I'm beyond help now. No one can save me from where I'm going. One day I'll die and the world will be a better place. Peter will be happier and no one will have to worry about my bad attitude corrupting anyone. But I'm pretty sure most the people in both schools want me to die. You know what? I LIVE IN SPITE OF THEM. No way will I give those fuckers what they want. I'm gonna suck it up and go to the party and show them what life lived in spite looks like.
Really... I kind of just want to be myself without someone trying to "correct" me. So far Kholden is the only one to offer that. He has this way of just making me feel... dare I say it? Happy... well, I mean. some people have to come along and ruin it... but still... the point is that it was there for a brief moment in time.
Whatever. I don't know anymore. I'll just find another cigarette somehow and escape into my nonexistent world... yeah... better off there anyway.
I'm out.
Carson.
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Post by carson cain walker on Jun 17, 2009 22:42:09 GMT -5
IT'S ALL TOO MUCH
Don't tell Kholden this, but he saved my life. Whether or not I wanted him to I'm still deciding. When I got on to talk to Kholden... it wasn't... I wasn't like trying to just make small talk. I wanted to tell him what I was doing, then do it before he could say anything. Sort of like a suicide note. But I couldn't do it. Not really... I stopped at four, maybe three and a half. I don't know my mind was a little fucked up. Five or six extra strength 500mg aspirin mixed with alcohol would have killed me. I seriously need to work on being able to lie to Kholden because he asked what was going on and it was like the information just spilled from my fingertips to the keyboard. Seriously... it's not my intention to hurt anyone but myself, but Kholden seemed genuinely concerned. For a moment there... I really thought about stopping him and going through with my original plan, but Kholden had been persistent. I hate it. I hate it when Kholden has to see my vulnerable moments because it's not fair to him. It's not fair to anyone.
I mean... just because I can't figure myself out doesn't mean I need to take Kholden down with him. Here's the sad part. I really like Kholden. I've done some soul searching on this. As many times as I've tried and tried to convince myself that I'm straight and that I am strictly friends with Kholden... things keep happening and I keep falling into the same trap that I fell into years ago. Kholden's getting too close and I'm getting too close and things just... this isn't... I can't anymore. I'm tired of letting people down. Okay- that's a lie. I'm not tired of that, but isn't that the going thing for suicide these days? That's another thing I'm surprised about. Suicide... I had never given it a second thought before. Why? Because of what I mentioned in the previous entry... living in spite. I think all of that is finally catching up to me. Sad, huh? I survive a lifetime of abuse, unhappiness, and lies only to feel like I need some sort of swift end to my story before I find out if there's a happy ending.
You know what?
FUCK HAPPY ENDINGS.
I don't get one. No- I'm not going to crap out and try and overdose anymore, but seriously... if it weren't for Kholden I'd be six feet under with the rest of the world taking turns to spit on my grave. I'll have the rest of forever to be grateful to him or whatever. I don't know... like I said... still deciding on that. Kholden once brought up that movie Tuck Everlasting. He explained the concept of the movie to me... about the family that stumbled upon a spring of water that made them live forever or whatever. Then he asked me if I were about to die... if I would be angry at him for giving me the water. That's the question... would I? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! But then again... isn't that sort of what happened? I was ready to kick the bucket and in swooped my knight in shining armor to make me feel comfortable... appreciated. What a fucking change that is. I just... there's something else to this that I'm missing. I thought I wrote everything... I thought I had done what I intended to do by explaining what happened and a little about how I felt... but there's something...
SHIT.
This can't be happening.
I think-- no. Impossible. I'm not... no... it's just not... I can't be. It's not probable or possible or whatever. Nope. Not at all. Just... Kholden's my friend... and... FUCK! I'm so freaking confused. It's just... he's been there... you know? Like, Dad got me really good one night and Kholden came over... and just... he was there... and he listened and he didn't criticize. He didn't try to tell me to fix it... just... he was there and wow... I said that already. After that, I well, I don't know. It's like I have this crazy need to be the best friend in the world to him... or something like that. I want to prove to him that I'm worth his time... that I'm not a lost cause. But the thing that keeps holding me back... is that I really know that I am a lost cause. I don't know why Kholden insists on wasting his time on me. First, he listened to me rant about my dad for that time period... then he unknowingly rescues me from an overdose... I just don't know how to react right now.
Kholden could do better.
I'm a fuck up.
Bitchface was right.
I need to just crawl in a hole and die.
NO! I have to stop talking like that. It's not right. Now... it's like... instead of living in spite... I'm living because I know Kholden wants me to and honestly... that scared the fucking shit out of me. I don't know what to do with myself. This isn't me-- is it? What's wrong with me? I'm so fucking confused. Maybe, during the trip to Vegas... I'll snap back to reality. Yeah- that's it. I just need a wild wake-up call to get me started.
That's it....
Out.
Carson
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Post by carson cain walker on Jun 21, 2009 11:54:01 GMT -5
OUTTA MY SYSTEM
I have someone obsessing over me. What's weird is that I really kind of like this one. Sometimes I think Kholden just humors me. I know he sees me verbally abuse a lot of the people that he considers friends. I try to appear confident in my ability to keep him set apart. Every time I start something I wait for Kholden to say he wouldn't be friends with someone like me. But he never does. I have no idea why he would stick up for me when I really don't deserve it. When will I turn on him? When will I show my best friend why I don't deserve him?
I'm still so confused... but I think Kholden needs to know everything that I've done. He deserves at least that after all he's done. Then I will let him decide if he thinks it's worth being my friend still. What I'm afraid of is Kholden deciding that I'm not who he thought I was. But I don't think I can keep all my secrets from him anymore. For once I think Peter's little thing about not keeping secrets really has something to it. I should probably even tell him the truth about the aspirin. When he came over I told him it was an accident. But--yeah-- as much as I will probably regret it later... I need to open up a little.
I'm alive because of Kholden. Honestly, after that Tuck Everlasting conversation I thought for a split second that I might actually hate him if he tried to make me live forever. I've already promised him always... which surprisingly... I'm okay with... but the problem is that I have already come extremely close to breaking that promise and making always a lot shorter than it should be for him. Seriously... just let me count the ways I can disappoint him... I don't think there's a number that goes that high.
But I don't want to do this here. It would probably work better to just tell Kholden all of this in Vegas. But I don't even know where to start. How do you just sit down and explain to your best friend that you think they should reconsider the friendship because you're not a good person? I would put it that way, but I'm sure Kholden wouldn't like that at all. Maybe I should just let him read my journal. Then at least Kholden would know everything. I'm sure he'll hate me... like he should... like everyone else does. Maybe Kholden would be better off then.
No- I know he would be much better off then. I'm always amazed at how I manage to fuck things up. Dad has told me my whole life that I am worthless and I amount to absolutely nothing. Maybe Dad was right. Maybe I am. I don't know... it certainly doesn't appear that my life is headed in a good direction. I mean... I suck at everything. I suck at being a student, I suck at being an acquaintance, I suck at being a brother, and I suck at being a friend... what am I good for other than a night in the city? I just-- I just want to be that friend for Kholden... well, you know... not what I just wrote about. I don't want to be the sucky friend.
Kholden deserves a friend he can rely on. What kind of friend am I? I lead him on, make out with him when I KNOW for damn certain that's not something friends do too often, encourage bad drinking habits, cause him unknown amounts of stress because I hate everyone in this god forsaken world that isn't him, have a shit load of baggage from home that he shouldn't have to deal with, and has attempted suicide... knowing that he was promised forever. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING FRIEND IS THAT?! I'M SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP. I CAN'T EVEN BE A GOOD FRIEND TO THE ONLY GOD DAMNED SOUL IN THIS FUCKING HELL HOLE THAT BOTHERS TO CARE ABOUT ME.
FUCKDAMMITSHITGODDAMNEDMOTHERFUCKINUGH!!
Heh....
I just... I... seriously suck as a person. Kholden may look at me and see something better... but I think the words in this fucking journal proves that I can't be trusted. So, when Vegas comes along... I'll just let Kholden read all of this even going back to the first entry. Amazing... I feel like I've written a book and yet this is only my third entry.
Whatever.
Out.
Carson.
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Post by carson cain walker on Jun 22, 2009 20:31:30 GMT -5
OUT OF MY HEART
I don't know who red thinks she is. The girl is such a fucking hypocrite. I'm tired of her always trying to call me out for shit when she's just as bad as I am. Sometimes I feel really bad because it really seems like Kholden likes her and I go in there and can't help but defend myself against the onslaught of bitchiness. This girl acts like she's the only one in the whole fucking world that goes through anything. Not that I think my problems are worse than hers or whatever... I really don't know what shit she's going through. But before she goes accusing people of shit she needs to take her own fucking advice.
Know what she told me? Red headed bitch told me a number of things that make her seem hypocritical. One, she told me that I "don't look underneath". Well, she has no fucking right to say that because I know a certain red head that doesn't do that either. OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT A SMALL WORLD. Then... she told me that I should "change my attitude". WHAT DO YOU FUCKING KNOW?! Another hypocritical thing that she's told me. I'm tired of it. I hate how that bitch tries to make everyone feel fucking sorry for her. She claims she doesn't, but I'm no fucking idiot. "oh, woe is me, i'm drunk and gonna have a hangover blah blah blah i hate hospitals and everyone in then wah wah wah i'll see them all in hell one day cause i'm so pitiful and i know i'm going there cause that's just where i'm gonna go. feel sorry for me oh please oh please i'm a poor soul that had nothing left to do but get drunk, mix alcohol and pills, and just fucking diiiiiiiiie. woe is me. woe is me."
Waste of my fucking time.
But red made me realize something. I need to get out of Chicago. So tonight Kholden and I are going to get on the Red Eye and fly to Vegas. I'm gonna have a fucking great time with Kholden and I'm going to debate whether or not I just want to stay there or not. Kholden probably wouldn't let me stay in Vegas, but I don't want to go back. Chicago has been nothing but hell for me. I'll drop out of school... move to Vegas... no one could stop me. No more Dad, no more regret, no more haughty chicks that think they're smart because they can spout off a couple of stupid comebacks... leaving all that behind would be fucking great. But there's one thing I can't leave behind, and well... I think what that is happens to be pretty obvious... no need to put it in writing too. That's the only reason I'm not going to stay in Vegas.
I'm going to go with that reason, have a good time, and have no expectations for our return to Chicago. Somehow I don't think anyone will miss me. In other news, my brother has entered a fake relationship with a guy I can barely stand. Ashton is by no means my first choice for Pete, but my first choice is unavailable because frankly, I'm not willing to give him up to Pete. They can do whatever the fuck they want. If they want to play the sex game, whatever, they can... but I just don't think it's right that Peter's using someone. Right, yeah, that's off coming from me... they guy who USED his own brother's boy friend and slept with him. I don't regret that either. The most I regret was that Blaine was so HORRIBLE. I mean like... my first time with a guy sexually and it was a drag. But what else should I expect?
I've been packed for a while now for Vegas. It won't take long for the cab to pull up at Harding. I'm writing in the cab because I hate it when Bible Ben sees me writing and gets all nosy and I don't want Kholden to get any ideas yet. So... yeah... Vegas... after we have out fun he'll get to read all of it. Kholden will get to read all about my fucking family... how my mom ignored me and peter and pretended dad didn't beat the hell out of us... how mom turned into a prostitute... how she left dad because he hit her instead of us for once... how dad still blames me for everything that day... how i was jealous of pete and slept with his boy friend (not really, that's just the running story)... but yeah... I mean... everything...
And because I know he's going to get to read this... I'm going to say something that I haven't said to anyone but Peter, and even that was a long time ago under drastic circumstances... but...
Kholden, I---
You know... nevermind. That's not-- I can't. So... maybe when I'm a little less of a coward.
Out.
Carson.
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Post by carson cain walker on Jul 23, 2009 12:50:06 GMT -5
THE OPPOSITE
..........I'm not even sure about what to say. I guess, since the purpose of this dumb ass book is for me to write shit I did during the day, I should write about what just happened. I just had sex with Kholden. Yeah- that's right... sex... on an airplane. Maybe I should have waited... I don't know. But whatever, it's done now. This is just... I can't really explain it without sounding mushy and just gross, but I had all these.... goddamn this is hard. I had all these thoughts ideas feelings thoughts while Kholden and I were having sex. It wasn't normal at all. I'm not used to having sex that actually means something. Usually I'm get in, fuck 'em, get out as quick as I can. I can't do that with Kholden though. I swear like every fiber of me was pulling me to stop what I was doing and just... leave Kholden alone. I shouldn't be leading him on, right? I'm an asshole for doing that... fucking him on an airplane. Goddamn... what kind of person am I?
Want to know something even more surprising? I promised a repeat. I can't even admit what I'm thinking the ideas feeling thinking... how am I going to be able to go through with a repeat? This is driving me crazy. If I were able to admit... things... then I would be perfectly fine. But I'm not. I JUST FUCKING CAN'T. I want to... god do I want to, but it's harder than that. If I thought for one second that Vegas would last forever... that I could count on Kholden to be there for me to make sure I picked myself back up... if I thought that could be forever... FORFUCKINGEVER... then I might admit things. The problem is... that I've already proven to myself and even though he doesn't know it yet... I've proven to Kholden that I can't last forever. I PROMISED FOREVER AND I CAN'T BE TRUSTED TO KEEP IT GODDAMN IT. Now I'm sitting here next to Kholden... thinking about how all I want to do is hold his hand, lay my head on his shoulder, and go to sleep. Seriously, where do these thoughts come from? I can't do that! That would... just no... I don't do the cuddling crap.
I think the real problem here is that I... those... it's just... I realized something. Having sex with Kholden made me realize just... well, that I-- ikindofsortofmaybelovekholden. Seriously, I need to stop this. I- Kholden can... what am I thinking? I can't screw this up. My whole life I have made the wrong choices and done the wrong things... and it always seems to fuck up my life in ways that I would have never been able to imagine. One day I saw this episode of Seinfeld, which I've no doubt adopted as one of my favorite shows, and George Costanza did something in that episode that I think I should try. See, Jerry Seinfeld is like Peter. Everything evens out for Peter. He loses one boyfriend and gets another... he loses a quarter and somewhere during the day someone will give him another one. Yeah- he's a lucky little bastard. But me- I'm like George. Nothing goes right with me. So, what George did was he ended up doing the opposite of every natural instinct he had. Maybe if I did that... things would start working for me. George like... got a job with the Yankees, got a date with a hot chick, found twenty dollars, and so on and so on.
So instead of pushing Kholden away like my instincts are telling me to do... I'm going to reach over right now goddamn it and hold his hand because my instinct tells me I shouldn't. If I fuck this up... then I will probably be fucking up the one thing that has ever really made me feel happy. How can I pass that up? I've got to do the opposite. It's got to work... it has to. Obviously I've already lost the battle with myself that told me I shouldn't be with Kholden. Now I just have to fight to keep that part of me active. I know I want this-- but why is it so hard for me? I just can't seem to wrap my mind around what I'm thinking feeling. But I know that if I'm ever going to prove to Kholden that I'm worth keeping... that I'm worth his time and friendship... I have to learn to admit those... things. I can only imagine when Kholden reads this. Maybe he won't get the wrong idea... that's the last thing I want. Maybe I should just say it... you know... without scratching it out or something. I mean-- it's kind of too late to say I don't want to say it. So, here's my little note.
Dear Khol,
I love you.
No hearts. No pretty drawings.
No poems or cryptic messages.
I love you.
Yours Car
..........I think that works.......... yeah.
Out.
Carson.
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