|
|
Post by peter bergan walker on May 26, 2009 20:34:26 GMT -5
 , PETER BERGAN WALKER ![/color][/font] -----------------------------------------------------------------[/color][/font] this is why, this is why this is why i'm hot!
welcome to my journal foo'! sit back. relapse.
whatever. i don't care. just have fun with it![/color][/font] -----------------------------------------------------------------[/color][/font] , BOX OF TRICKS ![/color][/font] -----------------------------------------------------------------[/color][/font] 001 ••• TAINTED LOVE
002 ••• entry two url
003 ••• entry three url[/color][/color][/font] -----------------------------------------------------------------[/color][/font][/center] |
|
|
|
Post by peter bergan walker on Jun 16, 2009 23:32:44 GMT -5
TAINTED LOVE
I screwed up I think...
What I mean by that is that I've done some things recently that I'm not exactly proud of. But I just... I don't understand what possessed me... Ashton just... all he had to do was touch me and I was gone. I don't understand it. Somehow kissing him and him kissing me... it just... like... set me off or something. I've never been so forceful! I mean like... I've taken the lead plenty of times, but never have I been that just... it's weird. I don't know what Ashton did to me... but I like it. It was like he swept me away for that time that he was in my room. For a while there I didn't even think about anything. Eventually, as they always do, the thoughts crept back into my mind. I made out with a guy... and all I know about him is that he goes to Camden and his name is Ashton. There's absolutely no chance of getting anything serious out of this guy... at least... I don't think there is.
I think what really got me... was that the week after we made out... Ashton ignored me. It was like I never existed to him. I started to think that maybe he regretted what we did and I got to thinking myself... when Ashton refused to acknowledge my existence, that maybe it had been a mistake. But it felt so right then... Ashton felt right. His body pressed against mine, his hair, his lips, his skin... everything about him felt right to me. Maybe I felt wrong to him. I don't know if I'll ever find out what he was thinking at that point. I mean... well, things have happened since then that kind of tell me that I felt right to him too, but it's still too early to tell anything. I mean... I like Ashton, but I don't know... maybe I shouldn't read too into things yet.
Hehe, Ashton kissed me again though. At Carson's party. I don't mean this as a jab as ANYONE IN PARTICULAR because ANYONE IN PARTICULAR won't be reading this entry... but at least Ashton isn't afraid to show physical affection in public. At least Ashton wasn't ashamed of it or ashamed of me. Don't get me wrong... I've always been comfortable with my sexuality. I don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that I lean more toward guys than girls. But everyone seems to think so these days.... why can't I love who I want to love? I just... I respect opinions... but my life choices are mine to make.
Benjamin told me that it was a sin to take part in gay things... like... that people would go to hell for being gay. I should buy my ticket now. I'm sure Ben's a great guy, but he doesn't know when to stop and I think that's what gets me. He made plans with me to hang out and get some tea, but he had to double take on that plan when he figured out that people might think HE WAS GAY for hanging out with ME. That's kind of fucked up... I get enough of the anti-gay shit from Dad. I say anti-gay and not homophobic because Dad isn't afraid of me... he just hates me. At least Dad doesn't hate me because I'm gay... he just hates me because I exist. But Ben... I've never been treated so differently for being gay... and it hurt a lot. Just knowing that Ben thought I was less of a person for being gay. Like he can't appreciate me as a person because of my sexual preferences.
At least Kholden stuck up for me... I'd never be able to yell at anyone about that... or even get mad. I'm not mad at Ben for not liking me because I'm gay or anything. I would never do that. At first I did question myself... like maybe Ben was right... but I just... I don't know. I feel like that is who I am now though. Maybe I'm going to hell... I don't care anymore. I mean... being gay may not have brought me the best luck in the world... but I just... I like it. I feel comfortable with who I am whether I'm damned or not.
In other news... I talked to Blaine.
I wasn't expecting to talk to him so soon... it's only been... what? A year? As many things as I wanted to say to him... I just... couldn't. He's still Blaine... I could never be mean to him. I still think about how mean I felt the night I broke up with him. Maybe I should have given him a chance to explain... but it's like... I walked in on him... in bed with MY BROTHER. I mean, anything else I could have dealt with. Maybe if he just got a little tipsy or had done some drugs or anything else... but sleeping with my brother? How could I just break down and forgive that? God, I mean, I loved Blaine... and a part of me still does, but I just don't know if I can suck it up so soon. That really hurt...
I think that maybe I'm a magnet that attracts only guys that don't really care about me. But that's a thought to dwell on for a little while.
Over and out.
Peter.
|
|
